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March 15, 2013: 5 minutes

April 6, 2013

So. Here is my 5 minutes. I feel liberated in a new way. After starting to read God believes in love: straight talk on gay marriage, and messy spirituality, I finally have a new view on my life. I finally see what it means that I am no accident. That everything, even the really ugly fucked up things, my foul mouth, or that I looooove vodka soda with lime or that I’m flirtatious or sometimes obnoxiously sarcastic. It’s purposeful. If I’m not 100% of me I can’t 100% be in this world as God intended me to.

I feel God and intuition on a whole other level. As hard as it is to know my life without the person I have loved more than anyone, today I have a comforting peace that moves in my heart to only want God more.

I might always have to know what life is like without them, but the doubts are false. The doubts that are false are heavy.

I have learned that things that are heavy or weigh me down aren’t from God. I have learned that if my gut and heart say its so, it’s probably more so than I could ever define. And that not everything needs to be understood. Some things just are. Like love. It just is. At its most potent place, with its strongest hold and conviction, it’s because it’s breathing and alive and is completely manifested into its existence. And it touches and burns the soul. The cataracts of the eyes that have desperately wanted to know life- set on fire.

See the thing is. Not everyone wants that. Not everyone wants to see. Not everyone wants to experience. Not everyone wants the eyes of their hearts to be set in fire to know what is unknowable.

We want to control and compare and contrast and make definite.

Our lives aren’t definitive. They can’t be. He promises He isn’t done w us yet. The great I am, His hand in us with love.

See life, isn’t in the yesterday’s or the tomorrow’s, life is in the right now. And people say they live for the moment, but if you live for the moment you miss right now. You can’t find a moment, the moment just is. So what’s today is never what it seems. And the amazing thing to me, is that He is was and will be.

And He is love.

So all of my yesterday’s, all of my today’s, and especially all of my tomorrow’s, are in the grip of love.


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